Tis the month of Halloween, only a few days away from what in my twenties has steadily become the strongest contender of the heavily commercialised holidays. As I was idly scouring the internet for costume ideas I found myself thinking. . .
What scares you?
I seem to pick up a new fear for every candle that gets added to my birthday cake. And these fears are becoming more realistic in the sense that as a child I was scared of things that came from imagination land, whereas my growing adult fears are intrinsically related to real life.
So I had a bit of a think about some of these fears and here are three of the first ones that came to mind and the copping mechanisms I seem to have subconsciously/consciously deployed to keep them at bay;
As with most children, I was scared of being alone as a child because the presence of another human being gave me a sense of being protected from impending monsters/strangers/my own stupidity. Well as an adult I need people around for much the same reasons but with the ever growing feeling of needing to find that ONE “special” person who will stick around indefinitely. And the equally ever growing fear of dying a lonely, love starved bitter woman like Dickens’ Ms Havisham. I can almost pin point the conception of this fear to the moment I read that story at school and sadly it has even played a hand in some of my relationship choices.
Copping mechanism- for a while it was incessant dating but that seem to generate other, sometimes, more alarming fears so it has been replaced with FRIENDS. Very cliché but until I find that ONE, probably unbeknownst to them, my friends, are the remedy to my fear of loneliness. Their presence, virtually or in real time, is the night-light that keeps Ms Havisham in the shadows of my mind.
I recently realized I am extremely scared of being poor, not like twenty-first century, first world
“omg I just bought the best shoes ever and have literally no money”
poor but being poor in every sense of the word. The kind of poverty that strips a person of all choice and engulfs them in a life in which they lose all sense of themselves and even their own humanity. I am mostly scared of this because it is a reality in which people find themselves in even in our twenty-first century, first world environments.
Copping mechanism – it really should be saving and generally being more financially responsible but while I work on that I console myself with the assurances that acquiring and building on as many skills and experiences as I can will hopefully keep me in position of being versatile enough to support myself and maybe even others one day.
3. Not being liked
I guess this one is sort of linked to the fear of loneliness but it is a fear in its own right as it is a very influential fear. It has been around for as long as I can recall and unfortunately probably will be around until I’m old and grey (but hopefully to a lesser extent). It is safe to say in my mid-twenties, I no longer fear being disliked to the extent that I might get sucked into a mean girlesque world of burnbooking and wearing pink on Wednesdays. However I am shamefully aware of the ways in which I adapt my tastes, opinions and especially my appearance in exchange for gratification.
Copping mechanism– In all honesty I don’t cope well with being in situations where I feel disliked. I find this fear to be like the devil on both my shoulders , whispering self doubt and conformity into each ear. I am however, in my mid-twenties, trying to remedy this with building lasting confidence on a foundation of a strong sense of who I am and my worth.
Moral of the story, a good Halloween costume might be a well put together physical representation of the above or other “adult/real life fears” which bring to life the fears we consciously/subconsciously keep at bay 24/7, 365 days a year.
Please do feel free to add to the list –
What scares you?